When in Rome… by Lee Marshall

Inexplicably, many visitors consider Roman traffic to be chaotic and terrifying. In the open season, huddles of white-kneed tourists can be spotted wavering at major intersections, groping towards the realization that in this city, traffic does not always grind to a halt at zebra crossings, whilst remaining unable to formulate an alternative credo.

T hey dither while the cars stream past. Finally, in desperation, at the first break in the traffic, they make a run for it, only to be brought up short by a rogue Vespa that has appeared from nowhere (usually the pavement). By this time our happy troupe is so thoroughly disoriented that they run into the path of an oncoming bus which, luckily, is used to this sort of thing, and screeches to a halt in the nick of time - much to the chagrin of an old lady inside, whose shopping bags have lurched away from her, scattering apricots, tins of tomatoes and the latest lewd gossip magazine.

To cross effectively, do what the locals do. Pick your spot - zebra crossing or no zebra crossing - and at the first break in the traffic, stride purposefully out, looking the driver of any oncoming vehicle squarely in the eyes. The important thing is not to break one's stride: to drivers and motorcyclists, you are simply another vehicle, moving steadily in a given direction. Italian drivers are used to having things fired at them from all angles, and they're also good at dodging them. Driving in Italy, in fact, is like playing an arcade game - a cross between Space Invaders and Formula One.

The best Roman traffic therapy of all, though, is to hire a Vespa and join the fray. It may sound a crazy idea - but the principle is sound. Just as the best cure for car-sickness is taking the wheel (try it with your kids), so the best cure for traffic terror is being the terrorist. Soon you'll be ignoring red lights and aiming straight for the quaking tourist. There is no better view of the Colosseum than the circular dolly shot, as you lean into the curve with the throttle open. Once you get the hang of riding no-handed, you could even try it with a trident and a gladiator's net...