Vitali's Ireland: a Brief Guide to Corkonia by Vitali Vitaliev

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“We are constantly open to surprise. As a matter of principle we are always open to the unexpected – after all, that is why we live in Cork.”
From “Cork 2005 European Capital of Culture” brochure

General Information
< Corkonia (or – for brevity – “Cork”) is a semi-independent country to the South West of Dublinia, sometimes referred to as “Ireland”. The natives are a fiercely patriotic lot, defining themselves as non-Dubliners first and only then as Corkonians. The capital is Cork City, also known as Festival City, City of Making (no one knows exactly of what), Rebel City (no relation to Fallujah) and – more recently as “ECOC” which stands for “European Capital of Culture”, or, according to other sources, for “Extraordinary Capital of Corkonia”.

There is no consensus as to either the size of the city’s population (the estimates vary from thirty-three to 250,000) or the exact number of bridges across the River Lee (from none to 28).

Cork’s national colours are red and white, also known as “blood-and-bandages” (see “hurling” in “Sports and Pastimes” below). The national symbol is an 11-foot salmon, also known as “Goldy Fish” (see “Food”). The Corkonian pro-independence movement is represented by a popular underground website www.PeoplesRepublicofCork.com and by the name of the official national broadsheet “The Corkman”.

History
The most formative event in Corkonian history, the so-called “Cork Gunpowder Explosion”, took place on the 3rd of November 1810, when twenty-two people were killed and more that forty injured as a result of carelessness of a drunken gunpowder factory worker, who tried to dry stolen gunpowder (before selling it to some powder-hungry quarrymen) by holding a burning candle to it. Since then, Cork became the hub of the initially successful Temperance Movement, led by Father Theobald Matthew, that resulted in somewhat lower production of whiskey in the 1840s, yet failed to affect the natives’ ongoing love for their own brews of stout – Murphy’s and Beamish (see “Where to Drink”, or simply drink without looking). The next significant event occurred in 2004, when Cork won the World Cup in hurling (see “Sports and Pastimes”).

Geography
The country’s flood-prone capital lies on an island, formed by the River Lee, and is connected to the rest of the nation: the deprived North and the more affluent South - by bridges (for the exact number of the bridges see “General Information”). At the moment of writing, the locals are campaigning for naming one of the bridges “Roy Keane Bridge” in memory of the famous corkonian warrior and national hero. The access to Corkonia by land is largely blocked by insurmountable Kinsale Street Roundabout, which Corkonians lovingly call “The Magic Roundabout” for its pivotal role in the country’s relative isolation from the rest of the world.

On the 8th of November 2004 – to Corkonians’ considerable dismay – the Monasteverin By-Pass, cutting the journey between Dublin and Cork by 30 minutes, was opened. “Dublin Has Moved Closer to Cork”, as it was put by Cork’s main broadsheet “De Paper” (at times incorrectly referred to as “The Irish Examiner”) on the same day.

Local Time
Unspecified and variable – as reflected in the nickname of the country’s best-known clock, “The Four-Faced Liar”.

Language
“To understand the people of Cork, one must know their language,” noted Sean Beecher in the Introduction to his hard-to-obtain (outside Cork) “Dictionary” of Corkonian, sometimes incorrectly referred to as “Beamish”.

Corkonians speak “Gammin” - their unique language - with inimitable singsong drawl, swallowing vowels (of which there are twenty-six in the Corkonian alphabet) and consonants (of which there are 2), too. A first-time foreign visitor may be led to believe that they all have little church spires inside their mouths which – on inspection – usually proves untrue.

Below are some useful words and expressions:
“Dead man” – empty glass
“Gauzer” – good-looking girl
“Gowl” – fool
“Hack” – fun
“Magalorim” – drunk
“Mombolised” – very drunk
“Gawked up” – drunk out of one’s mind
“Langer” – a multisemantic term with no exact equivalent in English
“Langers” – a plural of “Langer” (see above); also – drunk
“Belt away” – carry on with what you are doing
“Fair Dues” – well done
“Over there la” – over there
“Great Tack” – great stuff
“Alright boy” – hi, langer (see)

Apart from the above-mentioned “Dictionary”, another highly recommended manual of Corkonian is “Dowtcha Boy” by Morty McCarthy – a native linguist, who recently emigrated from Cork to Stockholm to teach English (!). The country is now bracing itself for the invasion of Corkonian-speaking Swedes.

Getting there
Visitors from Ireland normally do not require a Corkonian visa. Unlike those from Dublinia, who do not need visas either.

Aer Arann has daily flights between Dublinia and Cork International Airport. Do not be surprised by the following onboard announcement before landing: “Cork airport authority requires all mobile phones to be switched off until you are well inside the terminal”. The reason is that, on top of the smoking ban, Cork airport has recently introduced a talking ban (Corkonians have a reputation of one of the world’s most garrulous people). Make sure you do not speak to anyone (including yourself) until you leave the terminal building.

Getting around
Unless you want to spend the whole of your visit admiring the Magic Roundabout (see “Geography”), do not use buses or cars while in Cork. Do not ask local bus or taxi drivers for directions: their sense of time and distance is distorted by being permanently stuck in traffic jams. When walking around, watch your step: in preparation for the forthcoming ECOC season (see “General Info”), the country is in the throes of frantic road works. Before leaving your hotel, consult the popular “Pothole of the Week” section at www.PeoplesRepublicofCork.com for the latest road re-developments.

Sports and pastimes
Corkonia’s most popular national sports are “pickey” (a street version of hopscotch), “up against the wall” (a street version of soccer, normally played at the National Football Stadium), go-carting or “steerning” (usually inside a supermarket), taxi racing (use of blinkers and honking are not allowed), street boating (at the time of floods), hurling (balls, stones, bottles etc), road bowling (see above for “Pothole of the Week”) and road crossing – the latter being the most dangerous of all (see “Getting Around”).

The favourite Corkonian pastimes, apart from the one mentioned below (see “Where to Drink”), are “slocking (stealing apples) and “Doing pana”, i.e. wandering up and down Patrick Street without any purpose.

Food
Corkonian mouth-watering culinary specialities include: tripe (animal stomach), crubeens (pigs’ feet) and drisheen (blood sausage – see “blood and bandages” in “General Info”). A more recent one is “Kalina Jagerspeck” – a German-manufactured Russian specialism: pure lard with tiny insets of smoked pork. The latter can only be acquired at “Staraya Rus’” (Old Russia) Russian/Lithuanian shop in North Main Street.

NB. Do not ask for “Russian boots” – a Corkonian term for “Wellingtons” – at “Staraya Rus’”. Also, not to upset the natives, do not try to consume “Goldy Fish” (see “General Info”) – one of the country’s symbols, even if you manage to remove it from the spire of St Anne’s church in Shandon.

Where to Eat
Anywhere, except for the places listed below (see “Where Not to Eat”).

Where Not to Eat
- “A Taste of Thailand” restaurant in Bridge Street where “Thai” food has an unmistakable flavour of Cork (and of cork)
- “Staraya Rus’” (see “Food”, and this includes seafood!)
- “Kylemore” restaurant at Cork International Airport, where they charge international prices for nationally and locally sized portions

Where to Drink
At “Preachers”, “Thirsty Scholar” and pretty much anywhere else – as the natives do.

Where to Stay
At “Cork City Gaol” that, according to www.cork-guide.ie, has “cells, furnished with life-size figures, souvenir and refreshment areas, friendly staff and good facilities…”

Where to Shop
For the European Capital of Culture 2005 souvenirs and memorabilia (badges, pamphlets, wines, notebooks etc) try the ECOC Headquarters (50 Pope’s Quay), where they are all stocked in a little side room next to the Reception. Make sure you don’t confuse ECOC brochures with paperback copies of “Da Vinci Code” (Waterstone’s bookstore, 69 Patrick Street) – the best-selling thriller by Dan Brown (not a native of Cork), for they have almost identical black-amber colour schemes on their covers.

What to Do
See “Getting Around”, “Where to Eat”, “Where Not to Eat”, “Where to Drink”, “Where to Shop”, “Where to Stay” and “Sports and Pastimes”.

What Not to Do
Do not run the risk of trying to trace down the people behind www.PeoplesRepublicofCork.com - a highly conspiratorial underground organisation of “People’s Republicanism” striving for Corkonia’s complete independence. The exact strength, composition and whereabouts of the organisation are closely guarded secrets – to everyone, including its own members (if any). Among their revolutionary activities are: campaigning for the relocation of the Government from Dublin to Cork, cleaning road signs and secret patrolling of the country’s border - to search cars for such subversive (from the People’s Republicans’ point of view) foreign goods as Dubliner CDs, Brennan’s bread, cans of “Guinness” etc - and to confiscate them. To be on the safe side, do not bring these goods to Corkonia.

Some experts believe that the organisation is funded by the proceeds from selling “Peoples’ Republic of Cork” T-shirts that are safe to buy and to wear outside Corkonia.

Sense of Humour
Corkonians are renowned for their peculiar self-deprecating wit (no wonder that Cork City is about to be twinned with Shanghai!). A good example of it is the sign in the windows of some of the country’s newsagents: “Sober or Blotto – Remember the Lotto” (Corkonian National Lotto has a prize-fund of 40 billion shandons. NB: Shandon – “$n” - is a local currency unit. One Euro buys $n10 billion at the current exchange rate).

On a more serious note
Cork is unlike any other place in the world (see “Mini Guide-Book to Corkonia” above). If Culture indeed needs a capital, the Rebel City is bound to be a great success as ECOC 2005. As they say in Corkonia, “fair dues” and “belt away”!