The Cruise for People Who Don’t Do Cruises: A Guide to the New UK Cruise Lines by Clive Tully
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Have you ever had one of those moments when suddenly you get the overwhelming feeling that a place or situation just feels completely right? It happened to me on Ocean Village’s new cruise ship Ocean Village Two while I was looking for the exclusive Club Lounge on Deck 11 forward.
I walked past the open door to the Captain’s suite, and from within came the loud raucous pulsating music of Aussie rockers AC/DC. Yup, I thought, if the master of the ship is into heavy rock, you just know you’re in good hands.
Changing Nature of Cruise Holidays
According to the Passenger Shipping Association, the UK cruise industry last year saw a whopping 17% increase in passengers, with 1.25 million British holidaymakers taking a cruise holiday. This year that number is predicted to increase by a further 8%, taking the number of cruising Brits to 1.35 million.
Much of this rapid increase is down to the changing nature of cruise holidays. Yes, you can still seek out the posh cruises with their strict dress codes, set dining times and other bewildering forms of etiquette. But now there are cruises catering for a new breed of passenger – younger, more active, and wanting the general lifestyle to be a lot more relaxed and family-friendly.
Ocean Village has been at the forefront of this expansion, with first timers making up 60% of their passengers. Aimed at “people who don’t do cruises” in the 30 to 50s age group (although you’ll see plenty older than that), life on board is casual and informal, with no strict dress codes, buffet dining with no set times and lots of activities to supplement the more usual sightseeing when in port. They even have a fleet of mountain bikes so you can work off all the food you’ll tuck into on board. It proved a successful formula with the original ship, and continues now with the larger Ocean Village Two.
Easing Into Your Holiday
I joined the ship in Palma to set out on just its fourth cruise in the Mediterranean, with everything on board still gleaming and sparkling from its refit, completed just six weeks previously. The first full day is spent at sea, which gives you a nice relaxed way of easing into your holiday, and finding your way about the ship.
For many of the passengers, it’s an opportunity to stoke up the suntans, so the upper decks are pretty much jammed with sun loungers and basking oiled bodies. But if soaking up the rays doesn’t appeal, there’s plenty more going on,
The ship’s circus performers – yes, really! – hold workshops on how to get into the swing of things on the trapeze, and juggling lessons. I take another option, learning the hip-wiggling basics of Salsa. There’s plenty to keep the kids amused, too. The Base Camp children’s centre puts on lots of activities for kids of all ages, and teens also have their own chill-out area. But kids of all ages seemed to be driving around at high speed and shooting up the aliens in the Sega Village, the first Sega entertainment arcade afloat.
Largest Spa Afloat
There’s a well-equipped gym, but the spa really has to be seen to be believed. On most ships of this size and class, the spa would be a fairly modest affair with a couple of treatment rooms offering massages and beauty treatments. Relative to the size of the ship, OV2’s Karma Spa is the largest of its kind afloat. It’s spread over two decks, and includes a sauna with floor to ceiling windows, steam room and a very funky relaxation room with whizzy sixties-style meditation hanging pod chairs.
The treatments on offer are pretty wide-ranging, and are carried out in individual rooms, virtually all with panoramic views over the ship’s bow. I try the Oxyjet facial – a favourite, I was told, of Madonna and Jennifer Aniston. The purpose of the treatment is to get special cosmetic anti-wrinkle formulations deep into your skin by puffing it in using pure oxygen.
It's a 90 minute session, and given the slightly medical appearance of the Oxyjet machine, not as clinical as I expected - quite sensual in fact, leaving me in a day-dreamy state. I'm told the full effects of the treatment become apparent after around three days, as the stuff stimulates the epidermis to produce its own collagen. But even immediately I look 10 years younger. Well, OK, maybe I exaggerate, but I certainly leave with a healthy glow.
The next day I try a hot stone massage, administered by young Australian masseuse Nicole. In the course of the thoroughly relaxing massage, I mention I’d booked a shore excursion to Castello Odescalchi in Bracciano (where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes tied the knot). "Us Aussie girls stick together," she declares as she tells me what she thinks of Tom’s treatment of Ms Kidman. “Particularly Aussie girls with the same name…?” I venture, further fuelling the discussion.
Shore Excursions
It’s the shore excursions which make an important part of any cruise, arranged with military precision to ensure several hundred passengers all get on to the right coaches for their various tours. You can opt for the lazy approach, with tours which bus you from one stop to another, while others allow you a bit more walking about and time to yourself.
If you’re feeling really energetic, you can join the biking tours. The most popular on my cruise is the Tunisian tour, visiting ancient Carthage and the pretty little town of Sidi Bou Said, while Rome comes a close second, visiting 10 famous landmarks in under 10 miles.
I opt for the gentler approach in Tunisia, a bus tour also visiting Carthage and Sidi Bou Said, and it’s while taking a little walk down a steep path from the town towards the beach that I stumble upon a fascinating insight into social culture in a modern Arab country. I’d spotted several young couples sitting on the wall beside the path, embracing, holding hands. Such displays of affection between members of the opposite sex are still frowned upon in public, so here they were in Sidi Bou Said’s equivalent of Lovers’ Lane!
I did just a couple of excursions and chose to wander around the other ports of call under my own steam. You can of course organise your own more adventurous tours using public transport, and as well as saving on the cost of the shore excursion, it’s great fun as well. Just be sure you’re back on board before the ship sails!
Emphasis on Informality
Dining and entertainment are the staple of any cruise, and on Ocean Village Two, the emphasis is on informality. You have a choice of restaurants, and with one buffet restaurant open 24 hours a day, you really can pick and choose when you want to eat. There’s no dressing up required, either, and even on the odd occasions where I spotted diners who appeared to have trouble with even the basic principles of “appropriate dress”, the staff on board seemed pretty relaxed.
Two restaurants provide a good selection of buffet food, but for a little extra treat, check out the a la carte menus in La Luna, or celebrity chef James Martin’s The Bistro. Both of these offer a little more in the way of ambience as well as utterly mouth-watering fare, although I was a trifle mystified by the giant plasma screen in The Bistro showing live kitchen action.
Food in the main restaurants is included in the cruise price – a small cover charge is payable in the speciality restaurants. As for drinks, there are plenty of bars, and prices pretty much on a par with what you’d pay in a pub at home.
Entertaining Most Tastes
Entertainment on board is great, and offers something to cater for most tastes. The staple part is the shows put on in the theatre, while musicians and singers perform here, and in the lounges around the ship. They also fly in guest entertainers, and while I was aboard, stand-up comic Jeff Stevenson (who appeared in the “Only Fools and Horses” Christmas Day special “To Hull and back”) had his audience weeping with laughter as aspects of the ship, the tours, and even some of the passengers were singled out for ruthless ribbing.
On one night, weather permitting, the circus performers put on a stunning show on a specially constructed frame built on the pool deck, and judging by the crowds on the pool and sun decks, that’s certainly the highlight.
As cruises go, Ocean Village Two certainly gets my vote for its laid-back Brit-friendly (no pressure for tips, and tea-making facilities in all cabins) approach. I met plenty on board who’d never tried cruising before, and nearly all said this one wouldn’t be their last.