Tax Havens by Vitali Vitaliev

Switzerland

A reason to go: Switzerland is one the world’s most prosperous countries (the 4th highest nominal GDP per capita) and one of the world’s cleanest.

Reasons not to go: It has one of Europe’s highest suicide rates. Can it be that the sterile Swiss regard taking one’s life as an extreme form of cleanliness?

Another reason not to go is that, military service in the country being compulsory, each male gets drafted for several weeks a year (until he reaches a fairly mature age) and is supposed to store his arms and military equipment at home in-between the call-ups, so it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to assume that one can find a couple of mortars and machine-guns, to say nothing of bullets and hand grenades, under every Swiss bed – the fact that cannot help but negatively affect the country’s constantly declining birth rate.

Luxembourg

A reason to go: Luxembourg is by far the world’s most prosperous country with the highest GDP per capita – almost 3 times EU average.

Reasons not to go: Apart from boasting Europe’s highest per capita number of privately owned houses, washing machines (!) and dishwaters(!!), it claims a stunning 97 percent of “completely satisfied” citizens (I bet the country’s Minister of Culture, who also holds the portfolio of the Minister of Agriculture, is one of them).

There’s only one thing that is more boring than having to deal with a “completely satisfied” person: waiting for ever at Luxembourg City’s pedestrian traffic lights that are almost always red. Crossing the (empty) road on red light will cause contemptuous looks from your fellow pedestrians as if you were a serial killer, a child molester or a hired assassin on the way to whack His Royal Highness the Grand Duke Jean, Luxembourg’s ruling monarch.

Liechtenstein

Reasons to go: Liechtenstein has one of the lowest tax rates in the world.

Its main export going to over a hundred countries is false teeth of all imaginable shapes and sizes – from baby’s milk teeth to Dracula’s fangs – and of sixteen different colours (!). The teeth are produced by the country’s biggest employer – Ivoclar factory.

Meals to the inmates of the country’s only small prison are delivered three times a day from a nearby restaurant in a van with a “Gourmet Food” sign on the roof.

Liechtenstein is the world’s only country where one can be on the Diet without fasting (see below).

A reason not to go: If enticed by all those false teeth and sausage skins (Liechtenstein’s other major export item), you decide to stay in the country for good, you’ll be in for a disappointment.

Getting Liechtenstein citizenship is a cumbersome procedure. First of all, a referendum must be held in the village or town where you have resided for at least 25 years (!) and now want to settle; if the decision is positive, the matter is taken for vote by the Diet, the principality’s parliament, and then (again, if the Diet says yes) it has to be confirmed in person by the ruling Prince Hans Adam II – Europe’s last fully functioning and potent monarch.

Malta

Reasons to go: If you have an old jalopy you want to scrap, take it to Malta where old cars are part of the country’s national heritage and cannot be exported (but can be imported!). The country resembles an island-size vintage car museum, and vehicles made in the 1950s-1960s are regarded as new and are still plying the narrow roads for all they are worth (not that much).

Despite - or maybe because of - that, Malta has the world’s lowest number of road accidents.

A reason not to go: A traditional Maltese church has two clocks on its façade: one real and one painted, yet looking very much like the former – to the extent that it is pretty hard to tell one from another. The purpose of the painted clock is to confuse the devil when he starts dealing with the souls of the dead. Well, I am not sure what they do for the devil, but the ubiquitous painted clocks can’t fail to dupe some unwary visitors into missing their flights back home.

Dublin

A reason to go: The world’s best – and Dublin’s cheapest - pint of Guinness can be had on the top floor of the Guinness Brewery museum. Its price is included in the cost of the museum ticket. Nowhere outside Dublin does Guinness taste quite the same.

A reason not to go: Dublin is forbiddingly expensive, with most basic commodities – including a pint of Guinness outside the brewery which can set you back 6 euros - costing twice as much as in the UK.

While living in Dublin, I invented a SRS, Sausage Roll Scale - a monetary index based on the average price of a sausage roll in the UK (£1.20) as opposed to that in Dublin (€3.50). The SRS index can be applied to most consumer goods on sale in Dublin’s shops.

Jersey

Reasons to go: No earthquakes, no snakes, no graffiti, no crime, seven cleanest beaches in Europe.

A reason not to go: The island’s murky past as confirmed by a number of locals willingly collaborating with the Germans during the occupation which is still widely regarded as Jersey’s main selling point and claim to fame (there are whole shelves of ‘occupation literature’ in local bookshops and numerous ‘museums of occupation’).

Guernsey

A reason to go: The knowledge that Guernsey was part of the Dutchy of Normandy in 1066 when William the Conqueror invaded England, which can therefore be regarded as Guernsey’s oldest colony, should be appealing to sensitive and politically correct English visitors who feel ashamed (rightly) for their country’s imperial past and would be happy to know that England itself had been colonised before becoming an empire.

A reason not to go (applies to male knitters alone): According to an ancient law which is still in force, Guernsey men are banned from knitting during the months of August and September. This is, allegedly, due to the fact that their ancestors liked knitting so much that they used to leave crops rot in the fields unharvested while the former were pursuing their woolly passion. In short, no male knitters in August/September, yet nutters of both sexes are welcome all year round.

Isle of Man

Reasons to go: The island has the world’s oldest continuously (and still!) functioning parliament, Tynwald. A little known fact: it costs less to send a letter from the Isle of Man to the UK (of which it is not a part) than it costs to send 1st class letters within the UK, and mail leaving the Isle of Man automatically enters the 1st class stream of the UK’s Royal Mail. So bring lots of letters with you and post them from the island!

Reasons not to go: The Isle of Man still retains some peculiar regulations of its own. Its legislation still includes abortion ban and birching as a punishment (the latter, however, has not been used for many years). The Manx are allowed to drive at 16, breath tests are illegal, seat belts are not compulsory and there no speed limits. No wonder the famous TT motor race is held there. But if you are not Lewis Hamilton, driving on the island is not a good idea.

Bermuda

A reason to go: Bermuda has nothing (apart from the name) in common with the infamous Bermuda Triangle where ships and planes disappear without a trace and which, in actual fact, is not a triangle for it doesn’t have any definite shape or location.

Reasons not to go: Because of the absence of an absolute location, the possibility of the Bermuda Triangle moving towards Bermuda and coinciding with it in location (even if temporarily) cannot be excluded.

Another reason not to go are the archipelago’s endemic Bermuda shorts, inspired incidentally by the British military uniform. All visitors to the islands are forced to wear them at the peril of being deported and sent towards the Bermuda Triangle.

The Cayman Islands

The reason to go: On the archipelago’s largest island, Grand Cayman, there is a town called Hell. It has a post office from where you can send a “postcard from Hell” to all your friends and loved ones who would be all very pleased with the fact that you’ve finally ended up in the place where you always belonged.

Reasons not to go: There is not a single ATM on Little Cayman, the archipelago’s smallest island, and only one on another island - Cayman Brac.

Gibraltar

A reason (or rather 230 reasons) to go: Gibraltar if the only location in Europe where you will find free-roaming Barbary macaques, all 230 of them – the Rock’s main tourist attraction.

A reason (or rather 230 reasons) not to go: It was reported in 2008 that a pack of 25 of the Barbary macaques had run riot on a beach, had broken into hotel rooms and had been caught scavenging in bins in the town centre. The authorities of Gibraltar are now considering culling their main tourist attraction in all its fluffy and unruly 230 manifestations.

Turks and Caicos Islands

A reason to go: The islands have over 230 miles of award-winning white sand beaches. Another reason to go: Bruce Willis and Keith Richards own properties on the islands.

A reason not to go: Oprah Winfrey owns property on the islands.

British Virgin Islands

A reason to go: It is a British overseas territory, and HM Queen Elizabeth II is the official Head of State.

Reasons not to go: US dollars are this British territory’s official currency, electricity is 110 AC voltage as in the US, and only hard-to-obtain American two-pin plugs fit the local electric sockets.

Anguilla

A reason to go: “Anguilla” is the word for “eel” in both Spanish and Italian. Indeed, the island of Anguilla is unusually elongated and eel-like: 16 miles long and 3 miles wide – so you are never too far away from a beach.

A reason not to go: There are no nude beaches on Anguilla and topless sunbathing is not permitted.

Barbados

A reason to go: The world’s oldest rum under the Mount Gay (not to be confused with Brokeback Mountain) comes from Barbados. A reason not to go: Barbados has never been successfully invaded by foreigners (if not to count the Brits of course). Besides, the island is rather prone to gales and hurricanes.

The Bahamas

A reason to go (particularly if you are a flamingo): On one of the islands, Great Inagua, the ration of flamingos to people is 61:1.

A reason not to go: Some peculiar and rather off-putting island names… Would you fancy ending up – even if briefly - on Ragged Island, Crooked Island, Conception Island (albeit some couples probably would), to say nothing of Hog Island now renamed Paradise Island?

Panama

A reason to go: Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise in the Pacific and set in the Altantic.

A reason not to go: The peculiar body language of the locals who love all sorts of gestures. For example, if someone wrinkles your nose at the sight or the sound of you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she dislikes you – it is the sign of not being able to understand what you are saying! If someone makes a circle in the air in front of your face, it means they want you to come back… Too hard to learn, too easy to get it wrong…

Aruba

A reason to go: While in Aruba, you don’t need to buy and carry around bottles of drinking water – that universal give-away sign of an American or British tourist and holidaymaker. The island’s tap water is relatively uncontaminated and has a nice taste, having been purified at WEB, one of the world’s largest desalination plants.

A reason not to go: Much too close (19 miles) to the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela under the rule of its ebullient and unpredictable socialist president Hugo Chavez.

The Netherlands Antilles

A reason to go: A good reason to go (and fast) is that the Federation of the Netherlands Antilles (the country’s official name) is to be dissolved in 2010, at which point the country will cease to exist.

A reason not to go: Very much unlike in the Kingdom of the Netherlands, of which they are an integral part, marijuana on the islands is totally illegal.

Seychelles

A very good reason to go: Seychelles is one of the very few places in the world that are almost totally devoid of any natural dangers or hazards, including earthquakes, poisonous snakes, crocodiles (not any more), volcanoes and restaurant pimps.

A reason not to go: The main source of income in Seychelles is tourism, closely followed by tuna fishing. The other reason not to go is self-explanatory: Jellyfish tree, one of the world’s rarest.

Delaware, USA

A reason to go: Delaware was the first state to ratify the USA Constitution in December 1787 and is therefore known as “the first state”. Also, it is one of only 5 US states having no sales tax.

A reason not to go: Unlike other American states that have state flowers, minerals and trees, Delaware has a state insect – the ladybird! Another reason not to go is the fact that the state capital is called Dover.