Ship Ahoy! by Anthony Healy

Welcome. Bienvenue. Willkommen. Say hello to the wonderful world of ferries, the art of getting you and your car across a body of water. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but there’s something unmistakably down market about ferries. Whilst architects vie with one another to design airports, nobody ever got an award for designing a ferry terminal. Or at least, they shouldn’t have done. There’s a ferry terminal in Dublin docks which is literally a greasy spoon in a prefab. Why?

Whilst cruise ships might still suggest some glamour, ferries are functional. You want to get off, as soon as you’ve got on. After an hour’s wait on the quayside, you take a look around the ship, decide you don’t want to play the video games, look at the sea, and you’re ready to disembark. Only another four hours to go.

Some of us have been converted to the idea of using freight ships to get across the seas. This is based on the not unreasonable assumption that ferry companies will always provide better facilities for lorry drivers and freight companies than they do for individual passengers and their Ford Sierras. This is all about to change, of course. Irish Ferries are in the process of building the world’s largest passenger ferry, and it will go into service next spring. They’ve called it “Ulysses” because like James Joyce’s novel it will be big. Tony Kelly, Irish Ferries’ marketing director, says “Ulysses” will “bring unparalleled standards of luxury and prestige to travel between Ireland and Britain.”

Sounds good doesn’t it? But this is the passenger ferry industry where a stale croissant constitutes international cuisine, and steak or ham is a world of choice. To be fair, passenger ferry companies know that most people want to spend as little time as possible onboard. But the more time you spend on the ship, the more drinks you buy and the more shopping you do for “fragrances, gifts and souvenirs.”

What we need is a ferry company that lets Sir Richard Rodgers design its ferry terminal in something other than plastic, a reasonably priced bar and restaurant, and cabins that have tables and chairs. Until that time comes, check out the freight ships. Often you’ll get a better deal anyway.