Holiday from Hell: Mid West USA by Peter Carty

I shall refer to our guide on the tour to learn about the Native Americans of the mid-west plains as 'Arthur'. Despite having been born and raised in Leeds he appeared to possess yearnings to become Native American, similar to the Afro-Caribbean aspirations of London's white rastafarians, but he had settled for the lesser goal of impersonating an American: cowboy boots, Stetson, drawl and colloquialisms - on one glorious occasion, something he didn't think much of 'didn't amount to a hill of beans'.

Arthur was a very zealous advocate of aboriginal causes. Unfortunately he had the 'flu and had to drive us for hundreds of miles each day, because he was our only guide. Perhaps his cognitive boundaries slipped with the illness and overwork, because as well as being angry with the oppressors [the US cavalry, nineteenth century fur traders, Teddy Roosevelt and so on], he became enraged with us.

He refused to take a photo of a group member on a mountain peak, and, possibly because he thought we should eat on the move, as Indian warriors used to, frequently did not arrange proper meal breaks so we had to grab sandwiches before clambering back into the van - very similar to the vehicles into which cinematic serial killers drag their victims - for yet another four or five hour drive. (The tour cost a lot, but internal flights were mysteriously unavailable.)

After a visit to a reservation, where poverty and drunkenness were big problems for the inhabitants, someone made a quip about wanting a drink. Next day Arthur cracked. He wept before haranguing us about showing more respect to our Native American hosts.

A slanging match developed between Arthur and the other journalist on the trip; then, as usual, we travelled hundreds more miles, occasionally stopping at landmarks for bouts of Arthur's re-education. The following morning there was another row and I intervened to make Arthur apologize to everyone. We got back in the van and drove for hundreds more miles, and further worthy lectures. Like so many of the mistreated tribes, I too began to drown my sorrows in drink.