China: Against by Anthony Healy

Basically, in China, if it moves and it’s not a member of the Communist Party, you can eat it. And you thought that cute little puppy dog was the family pet. Sorry kids, it’s dinner time. It is, of course, a great delicacy to be served camel’s hump at a banquet in China. But who the hell wants to eat camel’s hump? It’s a lump of gristle on a plate. I can live without the fried giant ants as well. In fact none of the larger crunchy insect life served with boiled rice really turns me on.

At the other end of the spectrum things aren’t much better. It’s a well-known fact that indoor plumbing is a Western decadence. Don’t be fooled by that picture of a toilet in the hotel brochure. If you take the long bus ride to the Great Wall chances are you’ll be taking a long crap in the corner of a paddy field. Mrs Wong, who’ll be planting rice at the time, will wave, and the Wong kids will come tearing round the corner to get a closer look. Just to make sure westerners crap the same way the Chinese do. It’s all very friendly, because nobody in China has any idea of the concept of ‘personal space’. It’s a well-known fact that privacy is a Western decadence.

Enter the dragon? I’d rather walk round Tibet with a brick in my shoe.