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And you thought the only workout all those blasted boxy 4WD’s ever got was mounting city curbs or blocking your view and clogging the exits at the school gate? Shame on you. That’s just their prissy weekday life. In the weekend, you see, their inner beast is unleashed. The lucky ones get roughed up on off-road trails, get together for rallies or get a jolly good going-over on a training course for drivers.

In fact, so dedicated are their owners that a whole industry has spawned to cater to this burgeoning passion. Books, magazines and clubs share knowledge and experience of ruts and bumps nationwide while Land Rover have gone so far as to create a park where the cars can run loose, conferences can be held and dealers, owners and the general public can rumble through the jungle.

I’m talking their language now. Jungle as opposed to bush that is. For although the park is in Paradise Valley, near Rotorua, set in 290 ha of regenerating bush, the Land Rover people invite us to think of the experience as a safari and the cars as untamed animals. Ourselves the hunters of course. And lots of leopard skin. Everything from tissues for our noses to our duvets in our tents has the tacky but tasteful print, my favourite being the synthetic leopard skin cover on the dunny. Nice touch. And when I sit on the aforementioned appliance there’s a big soft toy monkey lit up in the branches. Camp mother has a sense of humour I see.

The park is called the Land Rover Experience. Of course. Branding is hot here. A cynic among us counts the number of Land Rover badges on the latest Freelander we’ve been given to test-drive. Thirty, he says. Same as the last model. Bit OTT?

Never thought about it, replies the Land Rover executive predictably and why should he, kitted out as he is in Land Rover shirt and flak jacket? But being Land Rover they’re such nice tasteful badges, like the Freelander is such a sweet darling of a car. So nippy, so dinky, so citified. Hardly a 4WD at all. That’s what the big boys used to say anyway. But now, following its 90 million-pound makeover, it’s joined the heavyweights club. For the first time Freelander comes with six cylinders and automatic Steptronic transmission plus other marvels like a new braking system, steering rack, immobiliser, engine mounts and more.

To tell you the truth, it’s over-engineered to hell. Even the Land Rover people admit most drivers will never need what it has to offer. But just like Rolex owners demand a watch that can go to depths of 2000 metres though most diving is done at 50, Land Rover owners expect the excessive best.

So what of the driving? Land Rover Experience boasts 40 km of trails and promise you can drive non-stop for two days without repeating yourself. We’re there for a day and a half which is plenty long enough for a beginner - although those that have been around-the-back-blocks too many times are itching to do more.

I was a virgin, however, and you’ll have to forgive my observations. Well, one main observation really. Which is that bumping along slowly through native bush is a pretty weird way to unwind. Couldn’t they just tarmac the lot and be done with it I thought as my spine jarred yet again? Or go by horse? Or buy a lifelong pass to a theme park? I hear the log flume ride’s thrilling and uncomfortable. Apparently not.

I’m missing the point. Which is that the car’s the thing. And, as I say, it is a clever little beastie. Even I can’t help but admire the way it can travel down perpendicular slopes without brakes, the way it can walk over great gaping holes with just two wheels on the ground, the other two in the air rather like a skittish colt, and the way it pulls out of big sploshy puddles without spinning.

But best of all are the heated seats. No, it’s not cold here. But the warmth is a blessing and a boon for aching backs after a day of off-road trials.

Land Rover Experience NZ Tel: +64 07 3483007 or email: landrover.exp@xtra.co.nz

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