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Show me a skier who claims to know Verbier like the back of his or her hand and I will show you a tourist-board director, a tour-operator, a ‘saisonnaire’, a local ‘guru’ – or a liar. It’s that difficult to take it all in. There’s something both exasperating and exhilarating about this truly enthralling Swiss ski resort: with its vast array of pistes and off-piste, plus links with three other valleys, you almost need a London cabbie’s-style knowledge to find your way around. I think I could do a reasonable job of showing someone around the slopes of Val d’Isère or Zermatt, but no matter how many times I visit Verbier (even though I learnt to ski there), I find it hard to get my bearings.

So imagine skiing for three days with a different guide, in different parts of the resort, with different psychology and different technique tips from all three. You either end up learning something about Verbier, your failings as a skier, or even more confused than when you started. I fear I ended up largely in the last category. The fact that I managed to locate the wonderfully rustic chalet where I would be resting my weary ski legs – the Cheyenne, one of 18 run by the specialist chalet operator Ski Verbier – was entirely thanks to their local knowledge and driving skills, and not my local knowledge.

So too was the idea of outings with all these expert skiers. They meant admirably well, of course, but is it actually possible to have too much of a good thing? “We’ve lined up a company called Altitude to ski with you tomorrow” they announced, as we tucked into assorted canapés (tiger prawn and lime salsa forks, aubergine caviar jalousie, courgette and ricotta rolls with thyme oil, that sort of thing) on our first evening (Ski Verbier prides itself on cuisine to match the quality of its properties). “They have an ‘Altitude Extreme’ programme which we thought you’d like to try.” Fine. What was for starters in the culinary department, I wondered, downing another glass of Pol Roger. “Then the next day you’ll be skiing with Powder Extreme” we learned as we started on the caramelised scallops with fennel puree and black pepper lemon oil. What was all this “extreme” business, I wondered, rather warily. Didn’t they have any bog-standard ski schools in Verbier? (The answer to that, of course, is yes. But then we weren’t on a bog-standard break).

Over the pan fried monkfish, carrot and pimento puree with lime and anchovy dressing, our host, Laura, continued with our skiing menu for the week. “On day three, we’ll be skiing with the Warren Smith Ski Academy.” Oh Lord. Another guru. But at least he wasn’t called Warren Smith Extreme. But Smith too is a master-skier – and an astute marketeer who runs all kinds of spectacular ski events in Verbier, and elsewhere in the Alps. Would I have any strength left to ski with him after two days of extreme? Perhaps on Day 4 we could simply, er, go for a ski? A guru-less, non-extreme blue run sprang to mind.

Andy David, a big-mountain freeskier, former British moguls champion and freestyle team member, and international ski coach from Altitude Snowsport School (he is their “extreme manager”) kicked things off with a romp through the trees in Verbier’s classic Vallon d’Arbi descent. (I’d never worked out quite how to get it to it before). Fortunately he saw my skiing at its best (powder) and not its worst (moguls). By the end of the day, I felt tired but exhilarated – and ready for the next guru. This turned out to be Felix Tangay (director of ski operations at Powder Extreme), a Canadian who not only skied like a god but even looked like one. When I discovered that he one of his favourite activities is “dropping (jumping off) large cliffs” I wondered whether perhaps it was time to return to the Chalet Cheyenne for an early bath, tea and cakes. Had I googled him then (rather than now), I would also have read that “if you see a lone pair of tracks down a seemingly impossible chute or a landing at the bottom of a towering cliff they are likely to be Felix’s”. Fortunately his clients were not expected to emulate such prowess, and we obeyed the law of gravity with another good day in the powder.

Sadly, though, there is rarely such a thing as two consecutive powder days without paying the price. On day three, I was to meet my nemesis. I had skied with Warren Smith before and had been rather proud of my performance. Again, it had been deep snow skiing, which my bulk and low centre of gravity helps no end. Expecting more of the same, I sallied forth with Warren in good humour. And then it all went wrong. He discovered my embarrassing secret. When it comes to moguls, I am a klutz. And moguls was what Mr Smith had in mind for today’s clinic. My technique had already been exposed by a Canadian instructor in Whistler who had summed up the problem brutally but brilliantly in a single sentence. “Arnie” she said, “when you ski bumps, you are supposed to absorb them – but they seem to be absorbing you.”

With half the world watching, Warren Smith attempted to put me right. Together, me right on his tail like a toothless and unarmed Baron von Richthofen, we skied a vast mogulfield very slowly, sliding gently – almost in slow motion - down from the crest of each bump. It should have been a road-to-Damascus experience. But it wasn’t. And now everyone in Verbier, where they breed ski gods, knows I can’t ski bumps. There was nothing for it but to return to the chalet, tail between my battered legs, and contemplate a career change. I was cheered up by some more splendid canapés in front of a roaring fire. Maybe I could learn to cook? Or perhaps Warren might take pity on me and give me another bumps lesson - under a full moon when no-one is watching.

Arnie Wilson was a guest of Ski Verbier www.skiverbier.com +44 (0) 20 7385 8050 which offers seven nights’ fully catered chalet accommodation from £600 per person including a private chef and host, a full English/continental breakfast, afternoon tea, canapés and a four-course evening meal and unlimited house wine and soft drinks. He skied with Altitude Snowsport School www.altitude-verbier.com +41 (0) 27 771 6006, Powder Extreme www.powder-extreme.com (0208 675 5407) and The Warren Smith Ski Academy www.warrensmith-skiacademy.com (01525 374757)

If you are a non-skier (or even a skier) in Verbier and searching for alternative exhilaration, Verbier Summits offers parapenting (like hang-gliding, only with a parachute) from £75 a flight www.verbier-summits.com For those who prefer plunging into a pool rather than from a mountain, the Spa by Valmont in the Rue de la Poste (www.valmont.ch +41 27 771 3405) offers a more pampering menu. When your chalet staff has the evening off each Wednesday, the Vieux Verbier restaurant by the Medran lift station is a popular choice. Its speciality is La Potence (steak served on flaming gallows). Reservations are essential and can be made by emailing vieux.verbier@verbier.ch

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